What Do I Want?

Last month, I was blessed with a few days all to myself in a single-room cabin in Connecticut. It was my first non-work solo trip since before COVID began and it was definitely my first night alone since my son was born in July 2022. It was also just 10 days after my last day at Netflix. As you can imagine it was wonderful—and so strange!

Since this was such a treat, I told myself I would only do what I wanted to do for the two full days and three nights I was there. I didn't think this was a big ask of myself, but it turned out to be quite the challenge. I brought things with me to facilitate brainstorming my next career step (post-its, markers, a notebook) and brain fodder (a work-related book and a non-fiction teen lit), and the key essentials of food, coffee, and, of course, wine. The cabin had a little deck facing a small pond. The soundtrack was the constant croak of bullfrogs. There were hikes and restaurants a short drive away. The range of activities at my fingertips was quaint but comprehensive for my tastes.

On the first morning, I woke up in this cabin all by myself, I made a coffee, a bit of buttered toast, and a side of fruit. This was an easy decision, I both wanted and needed these things. Once I had these tasties in hand, I turned and automatically walked towards the door to eat out on the deck. Then I stopped and asked myself, "Do I actually want to eat on the deck?" My self immediately answered, "No!" Quickly, another brain-voice chimed in and said, “There is a deck! You should eat on the deck.” Most people I know would eat on the deck! If my husband or friends were here, they would eat on the deck and I would join them! But did I actually want to, at that moment, sit on the deck?

No.

And so I didn't.

My time at the cabin was the internal struggle of “What do I want to do?” on repeat every few hours.

Now, this minor situation smacked me upside the head with a realization: this is the conversation I have with myself about everything every day. It's the one I struggle with most when I am working out what to do in my career. There are so many shoulds! I should use my degrees. I should have a clear and building trajectory from one job to the next. I should make a higher salary than in my last role. And on and on and on.

Since that trip, I've been doing my best to pause and ask myself what I want more often. I acknowledge the shoulds and then transition into what's beyond them.

So, what are your desires? What would you do if the shoulds didn’t matter?